Coldness

I wrote this poem on my balcony in Singapore back in 1990 when I was doing my national service in the army. There was this beautiful girl who was my next-door neighbor. We went out a couple of times. She seemed to like me but there was someone else that held her attention.

Once during a rain shower I saw her run outside merrily in that carefree girlish manner of hers and play a game of badminton with her much younger sister.

I remember the smile on YN's face.

At that time, well even now, I was infatuated with her. I did go out with her a couple of times. But I was too socially awkward to make a favorable impression - plus she was a bit of a tease and I had major difficulties listening to her soft spoken voice.

But for a boy that spend 3 years in an all-boy boarding school - followed by 2 years in the army - seeing her - going out her - and even having her rest on my bed (nothing happened) was one of the painful and overwhelming highlights of my life.


Something within me yields
Seeing you playing in the rain.
I long to join you
but behind pained glass I stand
Contemplating thinking
Murmurings within my soul
I don't know what to say to you.

Love you?
I don't know
Yet I feel something
And something within me yields
Watching you in the rain

I feel, I feel a longing to fill this coldness
in my soul with you
And to join you playing in the rain

but I know it can never be
With your cold eyes and indifferent smile
I can gauge and tell that all I can ever do
Is to watch you playing in the rain

Now I hear your footsteps
Outside my door
Shuffling, quietly
You turn the key and slam your door

But your laughter, your giggling
In whose arms are you love making?
I hear it, I hear it all
And gently
Gently accept the coldness in my soul.
CYM 1990